447..

When you are in a fish bowl it is harder to avoid other fish.  I am thinking about my situation a bit too much and I think that the situational effects of being in a fishbowl are making me feel and act in a certain way.

I mean here I am cut off from my usual support system and I subconsciously try to actively make a link with someone here - someone who I can focus on even though I may not ever consider him outside of this place.

Last night we were all out and about and I was able to hear some of his rhetoric and it took me back years when I was that age - oh did I forget to mention the 10 year age difference.  Right now he is in a place where relationships are about creating a power structure and dealing with fear and mistrust.

Its true, most people in their early twenties (especially gay couples) are a whole lot of drama.  Hearing him speak last night brought all those memories back and all that emotional crap along with it.  As we age we (well many of us) just don't buy into all that garbage.  We are more comfortable with what we want out of life and don't see the point in all the struggles for position within the relationship.  We sort of know our place with one another.  He is not there yet.

I even had passing thoughts of, you know - hooking up.  Sounds silly to even say, but I like being near him and he makes me smile.  However, I just do not feel I am as casual with sex as I have been in the past.  I am thinking especially now that I have gotten to know him a bit better.  I like him way too much not to fall head over heals if we ever became sexual.

I am just taking things one day at a time and trying to maintain a friendship and not tip my hat too much.  Now if he came to me and expressed and interest in other things then hell yeah I would hit that.  But until then - I am just here.