So I had an opportunity to see someone else...a casual hook-up here in the middle of no where. I could not go through with it. Maybe it was a little fear of the possibility of getting caught or maybe something else.
My thought process was that maybe a little mattress play would put the other one out of my thoughts. I figured that I needed to nip these feelings in the bud by having fun with someone else. I can't do it. The closer it got to the agreed upon time the more I thought about the other one.
I realize that I am done. There is no escape in how I feel. I have to admit that I have real feelings that are not going away and will not lead anywhere. There are times when I feel there is interest, but it never moves forward.
This is some type of torture where I am forced to see and work with this person every day and I am starting to long for them. I feel my insides aching and wanting all at the same time.
I can't really come out and express my feelings for several reasons. One of which would be the sheer awkwardness if I have totally misread the signals. Another being the significant difference in rank.
So, I guess I will flirt and long for the next four months. So instead of crushing my heart all at once it will be ripped apart a little each and every day....
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