Depressed

So it has been a week since I saw him and even worse I have not heard from him in a week. Not a call, not a text not anything.  Not even a facebook post.

I am checking facebook about a hundred times a day looking for anything from him.  I dont call as I dont want to be that stalker guy.  Maybe he is just putting some distance between us.  Maybe that is for the best.

I feel horrible.  I think about him every minute of every day.  I want to get over this.  I cant function as I am sad and want to hear from him.

damn I am a hot mess!!

A litte clue

So, I have been wearing my heart on my sleeve for so long now and this past weekend I found a little clarity.

I went to see the one who has taken my breath away.  I know, it was stupid and what was I thinking and all but in my head I need some clarity.  Did I find it?  The answer is both yes and no.

Yes, cause it finally really dawned on me that it cannot work with this person.  Too many obstacles and he has a BF that he loves.  I was able to put everything in some sort of perspective and in my gut know it is time to move on/

No,because I am hopelessly still in love with him and if he asked me to give up everything to be with him I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen.

Plus, ever since he left and ever since I have been back from deployment I think about him all the time.  That has not changed since I returned home.  I know it will take time, but how much time will it take me to forget how much I feel for this one person. 

I also now understand that before I left for deploymnt I was very unhappy.  I was drinking too much, eating too much and just letting myself go.  I understand now that I didnt have something in my life to make me try harder and after meeting CT I want to be a better man and I have a focus now that i didnt before.  Maybe a little of that in the back 0f  my mind is me telling myself to look better for the next time I see CT.

Okay, enough of that for now!

Big Huge Mess....

Since being home from deployment I have done the family tour.  Stopped off at a beach resort that sucked and caught a horrible cold that lingers with me still.

None of that compares to the fucked up mess I have managed to get myself into. I cant really go into much details but I have placed myself in a situation that I ought not have put myself in and why did I do it? Because he asked me to and I could not say no.

Now I have a very short time to figure out what to do or face a possible very embarrassing moment.  Reality is creeping in and what was playing out in my mind has meet the cold hard reality of my paranoia.  I am not sleeping and dont know how I lt myself go down this path..actually I do and as a friend put it, "You are letting your dick think for you."  he may be right.

So, I gotta make a tough call today based on very little information or wait and possibly really be put in a bad situation.  In the end I am gonna have to go with my instincts and leave my dick out of the decision making. 

New Day

So, i have been state side for a few weeks now. I am on leave for a while which I needed to get my head right and take care of some things.  I actually made this enormous list of thing that I must take care of and the list is daunting.

I have been keeping busy to keep my mind off of you know who and no I am just getting over a sickness.

I need to sit down and make a proper post to fill in some gaps, but I just am not feeling well enough to do so right now.

State side

afghanistan is but a recent memory...I am still processing all that took place over there..I think it will take some time to feel like my old self again and then again I am not sure I want to return to being that person.

I left a fat boring guy who felt as if I were just spinning my wheels.  I had time to reflect and to come up with a new game plan and I think I have some direction in my life. I left the fat person behind and now I amexcited about my fitness program for the first time in a long time.

I fell in love while I was there.  I did not admit it for a long time, but I did fall hard and heavy. That is okay and I am still dealing with the ripples from that and will be for some time to come.  I wish I had a bit more control over my heart,but who really can control how they feel about another person.  Oh well, I will blather on about that at another time.

I have a few weeks off before I must get back to the old grind and plan to use the time to make me happy.  I think i willoffer more reflections on my time in Bagram after I have had some time to put some distance to my time there..

472

So much has happened since my last check in. So I was horribly depressed when CT left and I was feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I thought about writing him, but didn't. Plus he had not written me. Days passed and I decided it was all for the best and I could work hard and get over him. As fate would have it I sort of hook-Ed up with a very cute army guy and we had a nice evening with promises of many more to come. The very next day I stroll into work and there is CT. All smiles and happy to see everyone. It was like one of those times where the world comes to a complete stop. Since then things have picked up where they left off. I follow him around and he leads me by my nose and the army guy is history. I am right back in the gut wrenching longing and hoping phase. This time it feels ten times worse. Don't get me wrong - he is amazing but to him I do not seem to be so amazing.

468

I knew CT would leave one day and I would still be here to deal with the loss of someone who I had developed feelings for.  The unexpected happened.  He was sent out early and without any warning.  I am actually fortunate to see him before he left as he was there just as I got to work.  Had his flight not been delayed I would have never seen him before he left.

He told me he was going as I was taking a bite of salad (of all things).  Of course, I thought he was joking around but then I could see in his eyes he was not joking and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  I felt this sick sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and could not find my words.

To matters worse there were way too many irritating people around me.  He got pulled away and it took everything I had to keep the tears back.  

I did not get a chance to tell him goodbye, at least not how I wanted to and then I see him walk out the door and odds are I will never see him again.  It was one of my worst days ever.

No one had a clue that I had developed these feelings for him.  I think he knew but I cannot be totally sure.  Since that day it has been hard to get up in the morning and go to work.  I feel raw, sad and angry all at the same time.  Everytime someone mentions his name I hurt all over again.

Initially when he left I thought that I would send him an email saying how I would miss him.  But then I thought about it.  I thought about how this day was coming eventually and instead of me dreading it for weeks it just happened all of the sudden.  Like ripping a bandage off instead of a little at a time.

I decided that this was the time to get over him.  Bury my head in work and let my feelings subside and put him out of my mind.  There is no possibility of anything between us once we leave here anyway.  He has his life somewhere else and I have mine and the military controls those facts.  better to deal with it now and readjust then mope around here the last few weeks I am here.

My only regret is that i was not able to give him just a hug goodbye.  

So, I am still sad and still dealing with the loss and I am dealing.  It will take some time but I will recover and be me again.

This whole ordeal has taught me one thing.  I still believe that I am capable of falling for someone - who knew...