425

I wish I could get my head straight....

I work so very hard to keep distance from people..Its one thing that I am really good at.  It is so much easier to be alone or lonely than it is to get close to people and have them let you down or hurt you.  Plus, I have the worst habit of falling for the wrong person at the wrong time.  Falling for that one person who does not make a damn bit of sense and no matter how much the head knows better the rest of me will not listen.

So it should be no big surprise that I have developed a little crush.  It is so stupid on so many different levels and is less than zero chance of ever being anything and I should ignore it, bury it and put it out of my mind...but that is not the way I am wired.

This person makes me smile.  You know, the kinda of smile that comes from somewhere deep inside.  The kind you can't contain even with every ounce of effort in your body. This person actually makes me (of all people) light up.

I cannot help it and I know way better, but I feel pure happiness when we speak or when a look is exchanged.  A smile just makes me feel like a fucking school kid.  I honestly didn't know someone could push those buttons on me anymore - who knew.

This person is involved and I know that, but it does not seem to stop the harmless flirting.  I fight it with everything I have.  I want to appear completely uninterested, but I can't.

When I like someone.  When I really like someone I am unable to say no to anything.  I am unable to joke to the point where I pick. I begin to get sappy and protective and I see it happening to the point where I am scared that others will notice.

I honestly do not know what I am going to do.  I thought I could be cool and just ignore it, but the longer I am here the worse it gets.

This is a problem in progress...