447..

When you are in a fish bowl it is harder to avoid other fish.  I am thinking about my situation a bit too much and I think that the situational effects of being in a fishbowl are making me feel and act in a certain way.

I mean here I am cut off from my usual support system and I subconsciously try to actively make a link with someone here - someone who I can focus on even though I may not ever consider him outside of this place.

Last night we were all out and about and I was able to hear some of his rhetoric and it took me back years when I was that age - oh did I forget to mention the 10 year age difference.  Right now he is in a place where relationships are about creating a power structure and dealing with fear and mistrust.

Its true, most people in their early twenties (especially gay couples) are a whole lot of drama.  Hearing him speak last night brought all those memories back and all that emotional crap along with it.  As we age we (well many of us) just don't buy into all that garbage.  We are more comfortable with what we want out of life and don't see the point in all the struggles for position within the relationship.  We sort of know our place with one another.  He is not there yet.

I even had passing thoughts of, you know - hooking up.  Sounds silly to even say, but I like being near him and he makes me smile.  However, I just do not feel I am as casual with sex as I have been in the past.  I am thinking especially now that I have gotten to know him a bit better.  I like him way too much not to fall head over heals if we ever became sexual.

I am just taking things one day at a time and trying to maintain a friendship and not tip my hat too much.  Now if he came to me and expressed and interest in other things then hell yeah I would hit that.  But until then - I am just here.

a little more..

So I am killing time!  I keep trying to get a time frame for my return.  With leaving here and additional leave I am taking it will be more than a months from the time I get home until I actually report for a shift at work.  Plenty of time to re-acclimate to the real world.  Plus we work way more days here than at home.

I get copies of the schedule from home and it makes me sad that I am not there.  I could be teaching others and doing things that actually will reflect well on an OPR.  But I am stuck here with less than a stellar supporting cast. Oops did I say that out loud!!

I have to wonder if all this time away will somehow impact the pecking order when I return home.  That is silly right?  Yea, but I have so much time here to entertain all the silliness!  I have kept a ver low profile back home.  Not one of those who writes and calls the unit every other day - that is just pathetic!

However, this time away has allowed me to come up with an appropriate game plan for my return.  I need to be more visible and put in more time for special projects.  It has taken me a while to feel comfortable and now that I do it is time to crank it up and demonstrate why I am better than everyone else...oops time to goo

443..

Okay, I was just now looking at the calendar and noticed that it has been two full months since my last drink!  Am I due a chip or something?  This would be the longest I have gone dry since I quit smoking back in 2000.

I am discovering that not being drunk two to seven times per weeks allows one to think more clearly.  It also forces one to deal with all those crazy emotions without the ability to drown them out with the precious.

Also, if I remain sober I do not think I will ever have sex again.  I am way too shy and introverted to broach the situation without a little liquid courage.  I am not smooth sober - not that I really am when I am drunk, but eventually persistence wins out when you are wasted and those around you are equally wasted.

Now, I have four more months of being dry and we are entering new territory.  I imagine soon my body will shut down in protest to being forced to go through life remembering all the events of the day before.  I cannot be sure, because I have never gone more than 3 months without a good buzz!  Hell, you would think cutting out all those wonderful beer calories I would be rail thin by now...someone lied to me along the way!

441..

Two things...First I lied...I am going to talk about the person some and second I am getting tired of worrying about my pronouns.  The person who is all up under my skin is a guy.  There I said it and now to let the rest go.

My mind was clear and I had worked myself up into this twisted back and forth that did not exist.  I was growing more attracted to me but I was just someone he was being nice to.

I got my head straight and a few days ago I went to work and everything was great.  We joked around had fun and I did not care what happened after that - I felt a bit relieved.  Now I am still very into him, but I could keep it there and go about my day.

Then yesterday we all had a good day at work.  I was really enjoying myself without the worrying if I was falling for him and other garbage that makes me nuts.  Later that day he came up and put his arm around me.  I felt my breath just go away and my knees actually got weak.  He was talking but I did not hear him.  I remember closing my eyes and just wanting so very badly to fall into him and just stay there.

He had his arm around me for the longest time and I was totally speechless.  I did not see this coming at all.  I mean every cell in my body wanted him to hold me and no matter what I told myself there was no denying that it felt like heaven and a place I never wanted to leave.

Well shit!  Here I thought I have my head together and then this happens.  I did recover and things returned to normal.  He does pat shoulders, and horseplay all the time but this was a lot more contact.  I never ever initiate any type of touch as I attempt to keep my distance...whew...

I am not changing my focus.  I am going to work to keep this just what it is, a friendship.  I just have to be prepared for the effect he has on me and not be caught off my guard again.

438..

So a few days have passed and things seems strangely calm.  I stopped avoiding the person and stopped getting all worked up about the mood of the conversations.  I can tell that there are some changes in our interactions since I tried the ignore approach.  Things seems friendly but no flirty.  I think this is a better place to be.

I am gonna put this particular topic to be unless there is an extreme reversal in the nature or tone of our relationship.  Time to move on to more important things and stop dwelling on what is not to be.

@@@@@@@@@@@

I am in a major rut and it is still so early in the deployment.  I keep telling myself that I need to run or do something that is sort of active.  At about 0100 I walked to the port-a-potty to uh well do what you do there and I saw people running.  Not just people but guys.  They were running in pairs and it made me think about not really having anyone here I would qualify as a friend.  There is not a soul here I would feel comfortable asking if they wanted to take a run after work.  I am always that lone wolf.

I had thought about my lone status the other night.  I was off by myself reading and studying for the next class/test and everyone else was playing and laughing.  I read.  

So much of my time this past year has been in preparing for the next step.  I have a few more tests to take but everything should be wrapped up by early September and then the waiting begins.  

I am not sure how I will handle the waiting..that last 2-3 months.  What happens if I am not selected?  What do I do next?  Do I refocus and reload for the following year or do I take a completely different path.  I have been thinking a lot about that.  I guess before I leave this place I will have a clearer understanding of what I will do.

436..

so change of plans...yesterday, I thought to get this person out of my head I would avoid and ignore.  So that is what I did.

Hours later I realized what a douche I was being.  It is all in my head and not at all the fault of the other person.  WHy should I treat another person badly when I am the one with the problem.

New plan.  I am going to be nice and even flirt as I think that is just the other person's personality.  I am going to enjoy my time here and our interactions and leave it at that.  I will try not to think about expectations or the chance that this will or will not lead to anything more.  I am just gonna chill out!

The environment here is so different than back home and emotions can get all scrambled.  I bring the fact that I am a bit lonely to the situation and it clouds my judgment.  Sometimes I need to step back and understand my view of what is going on is no where near the same as everyone else.

435...

I have new resolve.  It came to me yesterday after once again receiving mixed signals from the object of my desire.  Well that just sounds creepy so lets just just call it my crush...even though that sounds juvenile but we will go with it.

Anyway, I said hello and got a very distant response and nothing more.  To be honest I think there was some home drama that was taking the attention away from everything else.  Sadly, part of me was hoping that there was trouble in paradise so that I could swoop in, but that would make me a bad person!

So, one word responses and those sad eyes told me there was something going on so I backed away.  Even backed out of breakfast which would have been an opportunity to offer a shoulder to cry on.

This morning I awoke with a determination that I need to back the fuck off.  Even if the available it could not work between us and hell I don't know for sure the feelings are even close to mutual.  For now it may just be me longing and making a fool of myself.

The best thing I can do is double my efforts to keep things professional and not fall for those big sad blue eyes or get too caught up in the flirting.  Some people flirt automatically not to be taken seriously so I need to focus and not get all caught up in what I am feeling.  Just one day at a time.  It is what I need to do and it keeps things uncomplicated.

I will miss the thoughts of what if, but sometimes what is best for us is not what we really want.

433..

So I had an opportunity to see someone else...a casual hook-up here in the middle of no where.  I could not go through with it.  Maybe it was a little fear of the possibility of getting caught or maybe something else.

My thought process was that maybe a little mattress play would put the other one out of my thoughts.  I figured that I needed to nip these feelings in the bud by having fun with someone else.  I can't do it.  The closer it got to the agreed upon time the more I thought about the other one.

I realize that I am done.  There is no escape in how I feel.  I have to admit that I have real feelings that are not going away and will not lead anywhere.  There are times when I feel there is interest, but it never moves forward.

This is some type of torture where I am forced to see and work with this person every day and I am starting to long for them.  I feel my insides aching and wanting all at the same time.

I can't really come out and express my feelings for several reasons.  One of which would be the sheer awkwardness if I have totally misread the signals.  Another being the significant difference in rank.

So, I guess I will flirt and long for the next four months.  So instead of crushing my heart all at once it will be ripped apart a little each and every day....

431...

This no sex rule blows!  It really blows!!

So here is my problem.   I have a growing crush on someone I see every day.  There is flirting and more flirting...my problem is I really want to move it forward, but I am not 100% sure the other person wants to move beyond the flirting.

I could always hook-up with someone else, but I really am sort of taken with this one.  I am developing actual feelings.  ugghhh!  Bad timing!!  But I am!

If I make a move and I am wrong it could really blow up in my face.  If I make a move and I am right I could have my heart ripped out in a few months!  Either way there will be some pain involved....

425

I wish I could get my head straight....

I work so very hard to keep distance from people..Its one thing that I am really good at.  It is so much easier to be alone or lonely than it is to get close to people and have them let you down or hurt you.  Plus, I have the worst habit of falling for the wrong person at the wrong time.  Falling for that one person who does not make a damn bit of sense and no matter how much the head knows better the rest of me will not listen.

So it should be no big surprise that I have developed a little crush.  It is so stupid on so many different levels and is less than zero chance of ever being anything and I should ignore it, bury it and put it out of my mind...but that is not the way I am wired.

This person makes me smile.  You know, the kinda of smile that comes from somewhere deep inside.  The kind you can't contain even with every ounce of effort in your body. This person actually makes me (of all people) light up.

I cannot help it and I know way better, but I feel pure happiness when we speak or when a look is exchanged.  A smile just makes me feel like a fucking school kid.  I honestly didn't know someone could push those buttons on me anymore - who knew.

This person is involved and I know that, but it does not seem to stop the harmless flirting.  I fight it with everything I have.  I want to appear completely uninterested, but I can't.

When I like someone.  When I really like someone I am unable to say no to anything.  I am unable to joke to the point where I pick. I begin to get sappy and protective and I see it happening to the point where I am scared that others will notice.

I honestly do not know what I am going to do.  I thought I could be cool and just ignore it, but the longer I am here the worse it gets.

This is a problem in progress...

421

I think I am getting the travel bug!  This deployment is making me feel all caged in and I just want to go and do something else.  I still have so long to go.

Actually, all this time has made me want to shake up my plans and try something new.  I want to jet overseas and live for several years.  I can revisit school at a later date.  Maybe four years from now will be a good time to revisit it.

I just feel like the world is against me at the moment and maybe it is time to step back and do something that I really want.

416...

A shower.  Something that I have taken for granted for so many years has now become a luxury.  Why?  Well, because I have to bide my time and jockey for stall position to wash away the dirt of the day.

For most people here it is not that big of a deal, but for me it is.  I happen to be on the shy side and a lot on the insecure side.  I have never been one comfortable with being naked in public or even in semi-private.  I always lock the bathroom door at home, always.  I do not walk around my home naked, even when I am all by myself and the mere thought of showering at a gym shower full of people would send me into a panic.

So I now find myself in the military 7000 miles from home and sharing showering facilities with the masses.  Thankfully, it is not an open shower like so many have told me about in basic training.  No we have these portable shower trailers that house three toilets, three shower stalls and three sinks with accompanying mirrors.  However, all is not perfect.

My problem seems to stem from the undressing and dressing and the crowd control of these trailers.  If one other person is in there I can manage, but with more than one I cannot bring myself to enter.

When I do find times when the showers are lightly populated I step into the stall and draw the curtain and then disrobe.  Once I am done with the shower I dry off and re-dress in the shower stall before stepping into the common area.

I know like anyone wants to or would look at me.  That does not matter.  Its just how I am made that makes me this way and at this age it will not be changing anytime soon.

Plus, I do not like it crowded, because other men go all full monty and to be honest I don't want to see their pasty white asses either.

When I get home I will never take a shower for granted again!