Notes..

I hate being new at anything. I despise learning routines, remembering peoples names and figuring out when I am doing something all wrong. I think it stems from being a perfectionist and having an overwhelming need to stay out of trouble.

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Sure I want to do a great job, but I really don't want to get singled out for fucking things up. However, I feel there are fucks up in my near future. Part of that stems from the shoddy way I have been trains to my new department. Unorganized and pretty much left to fend for myself. I consider myself quick at picking up new routines, but military routines are not as familiar for me and I amn still attempting to makes heads or tails of it all.

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Ever notice when you now to an area everyone treats you like you are new to the profession? I have been in practice forever and have quite a bit of experience, but people treat me like I just fell off the turnup truck. I bite my tongue, but every now and then my smartass gets the best of me, my bad.

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Everyone has their own level of comfort and we all react to situations differently. Myself, I tend to be very laid back and try to work with what i have to correct problems. Newer and less experienced people tend to panic and over react - to the point of hindering efforts to corrct a situation and this is the behavior I am observing.

Spring

I must be more ready to date than I gave myself credit for, maybe I have had enough time to overcome my last failed attempt at partnering. I am coming to this realisation as I am finding more and more women around that I find myself taking a second and maybe third look at...

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I know - just a few days ago i was speaking of one particular crush, but for reasons I cannot get into here that is something that can never be. There are actually two others who are off limits, but I cannot help want to get to know them a little better. It seems the forbidden fruit is the most desired. I don't know what i would do if I found a gal with not issues or complications - I probably would not want anything to do with her.

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Out With A Fizzle....

Okay, a day later and some sleep have allowed me to gain a touch of perspective regarding my current situation (aka my crush). Actually, I played a little Internet stalker last night and found her Facebook page and this helped me to douse the small flames of hope. Yea let me just put it at that and now I can shake that little imaginary scene that was playing in my mind and just move the fuck on.

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I wish there were some way to turn off that thing inside that draws us to one person or the other. I have has some serious crushes in the past and they never move in the direction that I would like. Maybe I am aiming too high or in the wrong direction. The last one I had was a few years back, but she was in a long term relationship and I never had a chance there, but it did not stop me from feeling that immediate chemistry.

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Probably it is for the best. I am destined to be one of those people who never marry, never have children and spend their twilight years surrounded by cats and eating slices of cheese for dinner. People tell me when I am not looking for it it will happen and now I have gone and complicated things by joining the damned service where all enlisted are off limits and a portion of officers is deemed inappropriate (although they would be way old for me). So lets see about 95% of all those on base are off limits - I am not liking these odds! And I am somehow longing for a slice of cheese..

Not This...

I have been relationship complicated for a while. I am not really in one and I am not totally over one. I hover in neutral. Actually, it has been so long since I have even dated that I am not sure I have the patience to go through the whole 'getting to know you' phase. I especially don't consider starting anything up with me new to the military and living in a backwoods town.

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Well, I ran across someone on base who caused some churning on my insides. Fuck! I do not want this! Especially with someone who is military as well! So when I recognized the passing glances and the friendly smiles - I decided to just avoid her all together. Remove myself from situations when she is around and make busy work. Easier said than done.

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This person is so my type! Funny, smart, sarcastic, and has these amazing eyes that when she looks directly at me I know she can read my mind. But the last thing I need is a workplace fling or romance.

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I am just now and the interest stage and it has not advanced to complete adoration, yet. I want to nip this in the bud, because it would be way too complicated especially when accounting for rank and other co-workers and in no way could it ever end well. I mean even if I did follow that path we are on two different career paths with zero chance of being together long term and if I allowed myself to fall - I think I would get crushed.

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So, I have to avoid the small talk and the quiet moments where we are alone. Avoid watching her as she speaks to others. Not stare at her as she leaves a room and not get all stupid when she speaks to me. I have to stop feeling. It is the only way to keep my heart intact.

Hump day

I have a date for my first official physical fitness test and I am scared out of my mind. I have been a bad bad boy when it comes to maintaining my fitness since leaving COT. I have run about five times and my times are really bad. I mean pathetic. My weight gain has been historic. The only good news is that I can now max out on sit ups and my push ups are pretty close to max as well. So if I can meet the body circumference and make a decent run time I should be okay.

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Some of my drunken Amazon purchases came in and the total was a bit higher than i thought. So, with that out of my system i can focus my attention on budgeting and saving. I have found that food is so much more expensive here and i am spending way too much at the market. On separate shopping trips I have put out more that $200 on groceries and one time $300 (the initial pantry stocking). I never spent that kind of money on food prior to getting here.

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okay, the dog wandered in the living room and requires immediate attention.

I HATE CHILDREN!!!!

i hate children! They are loud, messy and irritating and i want no parts of that. Since moving to this God awful city and deciding to live in this ghetto apartment complex i have been exposed to more children that I ever thought i could tolerate.

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On my side of the building there are at least five children in the five to nine age bracket and they congregate just outside my window. I am on the second floor and cannot open my balcony door as these little fuckers spend most every evening and all weekend running and screaming. It makes me cringe to even hear their fucking little voices!!

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The parents send them outside to get the brats out of their hair, but in the process allow their little mistakes to ruin my peaceful mornings! I sometimes sit here and imagine myself chucking rocks at their tiny child heads and causing them to cry or better yet knocking a few of them unconscious. My favorite daydream is hitting one so hard they lay on the ground seizing uncontrollably. I hate children!

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Twice this weekend I went out to eat and each time there were screaming children in the restaurant. In one the parents allowed their little bastards to run freely through the restaurant and I was like so close to finding the assholes and giving them a piece of my mind. It was at that time one of the brats tripped and bloodied his nose as his face crushed against the floor and I could not help but explode in fits of uncontrollable laughter. The shit was not hurt badly, just bloodied - it still brings a smile to my face just recalling it lol. I blame to fucktard parents for not controlling their little brat!

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I have learned that next PCS I am just gonna buy or rent a home,because these white and black trash parents do not control their little mistakes - I just cannot stand the little fuckers!!!

Drinking when coupled with other activities can be risky to downright dangerous. We all know that you should not get behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and thankfully i have been so conditioned to this little nugget that even wasted i will not drive. However, I am finding more and more i get into other troubles when drinking and having too much time on my hands.

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In the past I have been guilty from time to time of drunk dialing. You know the act of calling people up on the phone when one is all chatty and shittfaced. I did this a lot about 5-7 years ago. Nothing too bad,but I would get someone on the phone and chat their ears off. Over time that phase of my life seem to go away after i had embarrassed myself on too many times.

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Next comes the advent of smart phones and the drunk texting. The texts you send some appropriate and some not so much. these texts I never remember sending until I check my phone the next day. I have been guilty of these fairly recently. The last one coming this weekend, but at least it was 'G' rated. The embarrassing things is I sent this text to someone I like but we have not been in touch for quite some time and then there is the living in different cities and dating other people - not a smooth move and there is no way to cancel it once it have been sent. thankfully, the text seems to be pretty much ignored on her end - is that really good or bad - meh!

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Anything that has to do with online dating and social networks is a bad mix when drinking and I have found myself banned from more than one site as i drink and my verbage goes from clean to trucker within a few drinks. I have had the joy of reading some postings/submissions the next morning and it was not very pretty. back in the day I was even banned from AOL - that was an embarrassing call to make to get the banned lifted. I cannot help it that i drink and then get, well maybe a little amorous. Well, i still try to avoid thise sites when I have had a few too many, but I find I repeat the same horrid behavior so often.

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My latest drunken misfortunes have come about recently. I have started to drunk buy!.. I go to Amazon or whatever site and buy like I have just won the Lotto! It is not that I am buying outrageous things, but just not all that budget friendly. A year ago i loaded my online cart with computers. Not one or two, but three. Why i am not sure - i think it was an attempt to open up a small business or something. thankfully, the next morning I was able to go online and cancel that order. I was not so fortunate with the 10 pairs of shoes I ordered from one vendor - however I still wear them all to this day.

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This weekend I went about ordering everything on my Amazon wishlist. My wishlist is not that grand but still a one time order of $1500 is still a big order for me. I ordered tennis rackets, Rachel Ray cookware, new ipods, and some other fancy electronics i have had my eye on. the actual total i am afraid to tally up but it is more than I planned to spend. since I am a prime member I could not cancel in the morning. so I have two choices. I can send part or most of it back once received or I can keep it all and consider it a lesson learned. And maybe next time hade my computer out of site before coming home from the pub after a few too many!

blast from the corner of my mind

Are you married? Do you have kids? i hear these questions about a thousand and seven times and each time I have to answer no to both. Why does everyone in the universe expect everyone else to be married with children?

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Is it a requirement that everyone in the known world be married with kids? Well, imagine that expectation times a billion for anyone in the military! I do not believe everyone in the universe is required to be married and have children. Some of us go through life never getting married and never being a baby daddy.

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Next assumption - "well you must be gay!" WTF!! So let me get this straight (slight pun intended) - if i refuse to conform to what everyone expects I must be placed in the other category! C'mon people think outside the box once in a while. I use to have the idea that I would be married and have children, but over time I overcame that obstacle and just started to live my own life and did my own thing. that is okay! Maybe one day I would consider getting married, but right now its not on the table. So do not give me that look. You know the one. The one where you turn your head sideways and try to make me fit into some category you can deal with. Not married? 36? never been married? no children? Oh you are gay! Well, fuck you and your feeble little mind!

longing fo holiday...

My feeble little twisted mind in plotting and planning. It has been a great while since I had a proper vacation and I am not sure how much longer I am willing to wait to get out and have fun.

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I think part of my holiday longings come from living in a city with nothing to do. The place is dull beyond compare and now that it is getting hotter than hell it does not seem to be enticing me out of the comfort of the air conditioner. So holiday plans are swimming through my head.

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In the military i can bank 2.5 days per month which adds up to 30 days in a year and I have no intention of wasting any of the days until I have amassed a substantial amount. Taking into account some upcoming TDY and a possible deployment it looks like a proper vacation will not happen until next year at the earliest. That affords me some time to build up my leave bank.

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If I am looking to take the first proper holiday in maybe five years it needs to be a whopper of a holiday. Should I go back to Paris? I have been thinking about it as of late, the food, the shopping and the history of the place, maybe. England is a personal favorite of mine and I do have friends there, but to be honest maybe some place I have never been?

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truth is I want to get on a plane and travel somewhere different and spend the days wandering the streets soaking in all the sights. Sit in a pub and drink until I am ripped and wake up in the morning and do the whole thing all over again. i am not the type who wants to lay on a beach or take a cruise with a bunch of old geezers. No, I want to see how others live in different countries and talk to them and even better, drink with them. Come home two weeks later and force everyone I know to look at every photo I have taken in the two weeks I had been gone!

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It just don't get no better than that!

the old grind....

I maxed out on my sit-ups!! Sweet! i know it is not that big a deal to most people, but to me it was a first. i am close to maxing out on my push-ups! i need it as my run has slowed so much and I know a test looms very soon. . I am making an effert to watch my weight and to run more, but it has yet to prove any positive results. At my best I could run about 8:20 mile - I know that is not burning things up, but it was a personal best. Now I am running 8:54 to 9:30, not near good enough to break the 12 minute 1.5 mile goal. . My short term goal is a sub 12 minute run with a long term goal of a sub 11 minute run. Dare to dream! I keep thinking one day I am going to become super motivated and make positive strides towards my goal, but that has not happened. . My problem stems from my runs in Texas. i ran on every off day and no matter how hard i tried i never made strides towards major improvement. I thought I run hard and the times would get better and that did not pan out for me. Maybe I did not try hard enough, but i did my best and still my times stayed consistant. So i stopped trying so much to improve and worked on maintaining. . Now out of shape i have to work to regain my prior pace and let me tall you it sucks big time! Why cannot I be one of those lean fools who never run and still post 11 minute times - I hate those people! . Anyway, I am off to run!!!

out of focus...

Study break! How come whenever there is a big test or paper looming near I look for every excuse in the book not to apply myself?

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I remember having big papers due in college and I would spend the day cooking instead of studying. I think I need the last minute pressure to focus my efforts. When left with an entire weekend I cannot focus for but an hour or so at a time. My grades were always very good, but I have some strange study habits.

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I was scheduled to take a certification exam in April and I have been studying here and there (but not too much). I approached this test as if I expect to fail the first attempt and I would just sign up immediately to take a second shot at it. It lessons the pressure to know I can retake it without any real consequence other than to pay the dam test fee again.

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Some confusion was relayed to me about when the test/certification would be required. I originally was told I needed at ASAP, but later I discovered I had at least a year. So, it took some pressure off of me.

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i have read where the pass rate is 70% and I would dare to be so bold as to put myself higher that 80% of all those who have taken the exam. Now watch me fail! Anyway, I am confident that just brushing up on a few facts will help me to pass and have this evil exam behind me.

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Now, I discover that I am scheduled to work the day I signed up to take the exam so I get to take it three weeks later - no worries!

WTF x a billion

It is official. I am done with American Idol. It was wearing on my nerve a bit this year what with no Paula and no Simon. Throw in dull ass Jennifer Lopez and it was a bit taxing on the nerves. But the topper of all toppers came last night in the results show. Pia was sent home.

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Pia, by far the most talented one of the bunch was in the bottom three, which in itself was a shocker and then her being sent home was the straw that broke the camel's back. With several non-talented contestants (Paul McDonald at the top of the list) she hoes. What reason is there to continue with watching this sham of a contest.

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I was shocked in season past when clay Aiken came in second, Chris Daltry exited early and when a few other finals, but this took the cake from all previous head-scratching results. So, two hypothesis can be deduced from this recent event. One, Americans are dumb as fuck. Or Two, the show is rigged. Either way, I have no interest in investing one more minute to discovering which is correct.

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Now that I have freed up time on Wednesday and Thursday night I can invest that time in activities that are much more productive and forget that evil and wicked show ever existed.

AI Review

I admit it I watch American Idol. It is a guilty pleasure and they hook me every single year and every year i hate the one America loves.

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This year america loves Scotty McCreery. he is not the worst of the group, but I cannot stand him and each and every week the dial idol site has him the highest vote getter - HUH? He is boring and the voice is dull - what up America? Why the dull boy? Each week it seems he sings the exact song and this week he attempted to change it up, the judges raved but it sounded the exact same to me.

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James Durbin, i actually like to hear him sing. he has great range when refrains from screaming. The tone and quality of his voice allows him to sing just about anything, but the boy is butt-ugly! yikes those ears and jacked up teeth and why and who told him he could wear skinny jeans - bad move! the other thing I hate about him is that fucking scarf tail he wears almost all the time!!

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Pia Toscano, is heaven on earth. Her voice is powerful and she can sing anything, but i don't think the average American Idol fan appreciates her talent. She should win hands down if this show were actually about talent, plus she is very cute.

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Casey Abrams, love his voice when he sings and does not try to be crazy. he is difficult to look at with the wild bushy hair and butter teeth, but the boy can sing.

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Haley Reinhart, I am not sure which one she is so she is not important!

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lauren alaina, again is she even on the show? Next!

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Stefano langone, he also sings the exact same way each time. Lots of screams and no range - his days are numbered and I expect he will be in the bottom three tonight.

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Jacob Lusk, i cannot be sure but I believe he is a drag queen. That voice can be hit or miss and mostly miss. He gets on that high pitched screams and I have to mute my television. He fucked up last night with the stupid shit he said before he sang - I do not imagine he will survive two more weeks.

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Paul McDonald, why and how did he make it to the top 12? By far the worst singer in the last stages of the show in years. he voice is painful to hear and sounds so very bad!! How does Thia get the boot and he survives? That ain't right! Hopefully,this is the week he is banished from the show forever!!!!

put it off another day

yesterday was absolutely sublime. Can straight people use the word sublime? Anyway, it was a perfect day where I ran early, ate fairly sensable and relaxed watching movies the rest of the day. The weather was perfect and I captured at least eight hours of sleep. Waking up tis morning refereshed and ready to return to work for the weekend.

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I cherish the few times where i have the opportunity to do absolutely nothing. Those days are few and far between,but I need them every now and then. I do have some things to attend to that I have been putting off. Taxes, I have a huge exam in two weeks, exercising, getting the car services, and organizing my folders for work. So much ahead of me and me no so motivated to get the done.

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I did make a slight effort on the tax thing. I scanned all the forms and emailed them to the tax person. I still have to send mine to my old state as there are city, state taxes that the locals cannot get right here. I am also settling issues with taxes from a few years back with the city - It will be very expensive in the end. But once it is settled it will be all in the past.

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Run Hate Run Hate

Why does running never ever get any easier? i have been running for a few years now and it never feels easy and never enjoyable. Especially if I take a week or so off it feels like I am running while carrying a refridgerator - in other words I no like running!! So, why did I join an organization that requires it? Because, just because I hate doing it does not negate the fact that it is actually beneficial to my well being.

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Had I not joined to service I would have no real incentive to exercise or mind my huge weight gain. I would wobble into my fourties and fifties and wake up one morning with shortness of breath and crushing chest pain which would book me a visit to the ED. A cath lab would be waiting for me and perhaps a CABG - Yikes! I want no parts of that please, so I get off my tired lazy ass and run and run and run and one day when I am a fit and sexy 64 uear old I will look back and be so thankful that i did all those painful miles while friends of mine check their blood sugar,watch their cholesterol and visit a cardiologist on a routine basis.

Rock Bottom..

So bad weekend. No fun. No exercise. Drank beer and ate many fried and fatty things. Should I be surprised that the scale was so unkind to me? Unkind is putting it so mildly! I was not prepared for the utter shock of what I have done to my body.

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since I have left COT I have packed on 34 pounds. So basically in just two months I have gained an extreme amount of weight and have done very little to stop the tragedy. Until today!

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I have officially had enough (no pun intended). Starting from this point on I am going to step up and retake controll of what I am doing to myself. It begins with calorie control diet. Most importantly it ends the 3-6 beers I drink on every off day. No more fried po boys, fried fish, dressing with a billion calories, chocolates, chips or anything else that has caused me to grow this large. I am ashamed of where I am and I am taking responsibility.

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No more excuses. No more complaining. No more wait until tomorrow. Its on baby!

That Ouch Much

Okay, this weekend has been a hot mess to the 10th degree. I had the best of intentions for my time this weekend. i was going to study, work out and run like the guy from Chariots of Fire. However, evil wicked dental pain showed up and ruined my well planned weekend.

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Instead there has been moaning, groaning and amply applications of benzocaine until I can get into see the dentist next week. I even investigated an emergency visit, but it seems Iwould have to go tothe emergency room at the hospital as the dental clinic is closed. That is not happening! I contemplated seeing a civilian dentist as an emergency and had the benzocaine not provided some measure of relief I would have gladly paid any amout of money for relief.

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So running and most vigorous activities were off the table for this weekend and to be honest I have been less than fun company. I have never ever had dental pain like this in my life and do not recommend it!

tik tok tik tok

I am still attempting to get adjusted to everything. A new city, a new career,new place and new people. I am still on my best behavior (or at least trying to be). It is never easy being the new guy and training in a new job. In fact I hate it!! The worst thing about training in a new place is that you are subject to the habits of the person training you. Right or wrong you have to bite your tongue until you are free of their orientation. I have a trainer who is a very nice person and I enjoy chatting with,however this person is not the most effective at teaching or precepting. I have had to really watch my comments lately as I am dealing with certain habits that i find so wrong it makes my skin crawl. Maybe wrong is not the correct word. It is more not the way I would do the process and some is flat out just plain crazy. But for a little while longer I must smile and bide my time until I can organize things MY way. which is always the very best way!!

Bits

My brief military career has taught me many things to this point. 1. The military does things the way the military wants to no matter how illogical the process may be. 2. "hurry up and wait" seems to be the hidden motto of the military, because we do so damn much of it. 3. If you don't like your supervisor, wait a bit because one of you will be moving on real soon. 4. I am told over and over everything is "political", which means they expect you to be seen and to kiss a little behind from time to time. 5. A suggestion is simply another way to mandate something.