He told me he was going as I was taking a bite of salad (of all things). Of course, I thought he was joking around but then I could see in his eyes he was not joking and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me. I felt this sick sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and could not find my words.
To matters worse there were way too many irritating people around me. He got pulled away and it took everything I had to keep the tears back.
I did not get a chance to tell him goodbye, at least not how I wanted to and then I see him walk out the door and odds are I will never see him again. It was one of my worst days ever.
No one had a clue that I had developed these feelings for him. I think he knew but I cannot be totally sure. Since that day it has been hard to get up in the morning and go to work. I feel raw, sad and angry all at the same time. Everytime someone mentions his name I hurt all over again.
Initially when he left I thought that I would send him an email saying how I would miss him. But then I thought about it. I thought about how this day was coming eventually and instead of me dreading it for weeks it just happened all of the sudden. Like ripping a bandage off instead of a little at a time.
I decided that this was the time to get over him. Bury my head in work and let my feelings subside and put him out of my mind. There is no possibility of anything between us once we leave here anyway. He has his life somewhere else and I have mine and the military controls those facts. better to deal with it now and readjust then mope around here the last few weeks I am here.
My only regret is that i was not able to give him just a hug goodbye.
So, I am still sad and still dealing with the loss and I am dealing. It will take some time but I will recover and be me again.
This whole ordeal has taught me one thing. I still believe that I am capable of falling for someone - who knew...
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