257...

I am stupid stupid stupid!  I jumped to some fantasy conclusions that were no where even close to being based on reality, but my mind let myself get too close to a situation.  Long story short - i get sucked in and I was the only one.

I develop these crushes every now and then and my mind runs wild with it.  I end up with this depressing hurting crushing feeling with no reason to expect things to have turned out differently.  why do I allow myself to go down this path over and over again?  I am hopeless!

Breath in and breath out.  I have not REALLY lost anything except the wild fantasy that was living in my mind.  pop the bubble and get back to realty.  Truth is I do not have the time to get all caught up in a dangerous romance.

But it would have been nice to attempt to juggle everything.  Oh well, on my own still!!!

256..

Only a few more days of days then it is off to working nights.  I have mixed feelings about it this time around.  It will be nice to sort of lay low on nights away from all the higher ups,but my sleep schedule and life seem to go on hold.  Plus as soon as I go nights I will get tasked for a whole bunch of shit to do on days - they are good about that.

Another bummer about nights this time around is that i will be working with a whole new crew and this bunch is not near as fun as my prior group.  So this could lead to some really long boring nights.  Another issue is that we will be working short most of the rotation and it puts more on each of our shoulders - not looking forward to that.

However, I can workout and catch up on my studies. So, I plan to see the glass as half full.  Well, at least until the shit hits the fan.

252...

I am losing momentum...I feel like a car where the wheels cannot get any traction on the road surface.  I get this way from time to time when I let the forces I face get the upper hand. 

I keep a running tab in my mind of all the things that I need to finish before I leave and they seem to be hurdles and I am having a hard time getting over them.  First up was the class that had a horrific ending and now I have to take it somewhere else.  Not a huge deal, but still something that is undone.  a PT test looms and I am on the fence about passing.  No matter what I do I show little to no improvement and on the day of the test it really could go either way.

There are other things that I should be working hard on that just don't seem to be getting done and time is running out.  I almost feel like I am at the point where I am going to fail everything I attempt. I need a win somewhere in the near future or I am afraid I may be stuck in a losing streak....

247...

This weekend has been the first full weekend where I had nothing to study and nothing to prepare for.  It felt pretty damn good,but like everything in my life I over-did everything.  so now I sit here stuffed, did not run or workout and regretting a few of my choices.

It seems I bargain with myself most of the time.  I will say today is the last time and tomorrow I will walk the line and be perfect.  The trouble is that a week later I am at it again. I am repeating destructive patterns and once again I am going to attempt to right my ship.

The new week brings decisions that must be made.  I have to study for at least two exams and get myself in the preparing/organizing mode. 

Only a few months left before I leave and I have so much that needs to be accomplished, but I sort of believe I will get it all done.

244..

back in May i registered for an online course.  I spent hundreds of hours reading, studying and writing hundreds of pages of notes.  I took the practice exams ten times or more until I memorized every answer.

Today, I sat for the proctored final and it was all for nothing.  The questions were all trick questions and it appears the instructor just uses this class to show what HE knows about the subject.  In 100 questions I am not even sure I got 10 correct.

The syllabus stated in 4000 students less than 4% actually fail.  I think that statement is a bold faced lie!

Oh well, i sulk tonight and register for another class in the morning.

240....

A moment yesterday tried me and good.  The situation involved a massivly obese patient who was nasty and verbally abusive.  Throw in a few attempts to hit a few of us and I was ready to drop him out of a fifth story window.

Thankfully, my interaction with the large uncooperative person was short.  I do have a MAJOR issue with people who come to the hospital by their own choice and proceed to make everyone miserable.  Stay home and die rather than bring your issues to people who are there to help.

Okay, off my soap box.  Hopefully today will be better!

236..

I am breaking down in pieces.  My back is hurting, my shoulder has an ache, my hip is popping and I sliced my hand open on a can lid.  So I am the picture of the walking wounded.

My weeks since my last post have had me find a calm to get me to the next stage of where I need to be.  I am woefully unprepared for my test this week and I am also ready to get it over!

I have not been running as I should and I am not dropping weight at the moment.  I have so very much to do and such a short time to complete....so I am right smack in a place where I normally find that second gear and power through.

Time will tell...