201...bake it

I made it beyond 200 days stuck here in the armpit of the south.  I cannot believe I have so many more days ahead of me.  Oh well, like an alcoholic, i have to put in one day at a time.

Yesterday, i met a friend for a late lunch and then we went for drinks.  the bar had bingo and I have to admit it was fun sitting around a bar playing bingo while sipping a beer - I look forward to doing that again.

Today, I am going to make some bread pudding.  I have been wanting some for so long now and I figured why not make it myself.  I had ordered some at a local restaurant and it was not good and way over priced!  So,I bought a cheap cake in the bakery on my way home last night and I am about to assemble the ingredients and see how it turns out - wish me luck!

Well, that is about all for now..

199...

I am so happy that is is Sunday and I get a few days off after today.  Studying has to take a break when I work because my routine is work, eat sleep and repeat until i am off.

i scheduled my final and for a millisecond here and there I actually believe that I may pass the damn thing.  I am keeping my fingers crossed.

This morning is all about coffee and getting my thoughts together befor the day begins.

Oh and I had to wake up at 0220!  ugghh!

196...hanging

why is it one beer is good.  Three beers are great, but 13 beers makes for a bad morning after...I need tylenol!!

191...all work and maybe a little play

i have been reading and studying all freaking day.  Now i have decided that I deserve an adult beverage.

Back to the books tomorrow!

190...big gay moment??

Hectic and crazy are words I would use to describe the past few days. I am still learning about the building and my responsibilities and it does not help that the orientation here suck big rotten ass!  It is sort of a 'figure it out on tour own' type of place and that can be a bit much at times.  Combine that with situations here that would NEVER ever occur on the outside and it becomes a head scratcher.

There are situations I would love to elaborate on, but being is such a small facility it may be too telling to even provide the vaguest details.  so I err on the side of cautions and leave all details out.  Trust me there were some BIG issues that I just can't get into.

One other weird thing happened before I left.  I was running my mouth to the oncoming shift when a couple of surgical resident came nosing around the unit.  I suppose they were following one of the two new admits.  These were spanking new residents and it showed in every way.  One came and spoke to a colleague and the other was look around for something.

Anyway, the one nosing around was very muscular and even in scrubs you could tell he was huge.  i don't know why but I found myself staring at him and just could not take my eyes off of him.  In my mind i was thinking, 'how the hell does he ever find the time to put that many hours in the gym?'  So, in the midst of my obvious staring a co-worker has noticed my new fascination and he is giving me an odd look.  I don't even know how to begin to explain what I was doing - so I didn't try.  I guess he thought I was having a gay moment and who knows maybe I was.

187....effen dog!!!

One of my dogs has been getting on my nerves lately.  I have two pooches, one is 11 and the other is 8.  The 11 year old is a typical "old man", he sleeps almost all day, he is uber slow to do anything and his eyesight is fading very fast. When I see him go up or down the stairs i cannot help but think that he is in his twilight year(s).

The 8 year old is spoiled rotten.  She is an attention whore like none other. She receives attention, treats, special oatmeal baths and her very own chewies and pillows.  But is that enough - NO!  She has started to pee the bed.  Not her bed, but my bed!  My king-sized sterns and foster! 

The first pee happened about two weeks ago and it was within 30 minutes of taking her out to pee. She was upset about something so it was her way to pay back.  She got in trouble and I thought we ended that little issue.  Last week she did it again and again yesterday.  Now she is banned from the bedroom until further notice.

Since I have dogs I have a few layers of mattress covers with the top one being waterproof.  So no matter how much she pees it never reaches the mattress, but it still pisses me off when she does it.

Last night when I went to bed I saw where she had pissed the bed.  Tired and irritated I pulled all the sheets and mattress protector off the bed and put them in the washer.  I then closed the bedroom door and banished the dogs from entry.  This morning I am still mad and made her get off the sofa and no treats today.

I am gonna break her of this new little phase or she will be treated like a dog!

186...boring

i finished up a three day stretch and I feel like someone has run me down with a dump truck.  Work was a bit dull and boring this weekend so why am I so freaking tired?  I slept in until 0930 and an hour later I am starting to feel like my body is waking up.

Good news on the dieting front as I seem to be sticking to my diet.  I am keeping things very simple for the first few weeks.  My morning is around 200-300 calories.  Lunch is 300 to 500 calories and dinner I try to stay slightly under 500 calories and I have not felt the need to snack.  My only additional calories are coming from coffee creamer.  So under 1500 cal a day and I have already dropped six pounds - yea!

Life really has gotten very dull!  I wake up and eat maybe watch some television.  Surf the net for an hour or two, then study for a few hours.  the studying makes me sleepy so I take a nap.  I wake up and fix a stack and start the whole process over again until time for bed.  So very dull!  And no end in site!

I have a final exam in September and when I get that out of the way it will be time to review for the GRE (again).  Once those two are behind me I can start to have a little fun with my life!  I cannot wait to get done with these two hurdles. 

The Tea Party Poster Girl!!

184.. babysteps

Well, i have been sticking with my diet and avoiding beer.  It is very slow going, but I am going to keep at it and determined to get back to a decent number.

What I don't understand is how I can gain 8 pounds in a weekend, but take 4 weeks to lose that amount.  Still other people can eat as much as they want everyday and never gain an ounce.  It is just a cruel (as much as I love to eat).

Oh well, one day at a time.

182...test looms

In a month I am scheduled to take a test and I am starting to have some serious concerns on my ability to pass this test.  I have been reading and watching endless house of boring lectures, but when i go to answer the practice exams I do very badly.

The class is a very technical class and goes into so much detail and the quizes are difficult because to answer the questions you need to understand all the pathways cold.  I miss things like not knowing one of the products is AMP and not ATP when all else seems to make perfect sense.

So to give myself the absolute best chance to pass this course I am amping up my efforts to hopefully do well.

181...

So, the week started out not fitting me very well.  I started back in the daylight hours and just felt all out of sorts the whole day long.  My sleep patterns are all fucked up and it is making me feel sort of jet lagged the entire shift.

I am also feeling a twinge of resentment from others for a myriad of reasons and I am trying to just ignore it and move on.  I can tell you that after one shift back on days i prefer nights!

180....too damn early

So I cannot sleep!  Big surprise - right?  Actually, i did sleep from about 2230 until 0200. So that is a whopping 3.5 hours sleep!  Should i feel pampered?

It is this damn flipping from nights back to days.  I prefer days but I did not think it would be this difficult to flip back. I have flipped in the past but never with this continues problem.  Also, this was the smoothest night shift I have ever worked and my day sleep was rocking and that has never happened before.

So, today I am sure to be dragging my ass around work and suffering so very much for only getting 3.5 hours of sleep.

To make matters even worse - I have to come home tonight and study for 1-2 hours.  i may put that off until Wednesday (I am off).

Loads to get accomplished and such a small window of opportunity, however I have faced such issues before.  I just keep imagining getting to the finish line and how great that will feel!  That is what is motivating me at the moment!

poems suck...

okay, so I am doing my morning ritual. The one where I sip coffee and surf all the blogs that I follow.  My list of blogs I peek in on is an eclectic mix of work babbles, but they entertain me just the same.

Anywho, i go to visit one I have not read in a while (mainly because the posts have gotten way too long) and I scan.  The thing is full of blah blah blah depression, blah blah blah blue and blah blah blah personal problems.  it was enough to make me vomit, but that was not the worst of it.  The worst of it was a fucking original poem!

Not a fan of poems and especially not of men writing poems.  It just screams pussy to me.  What kind of man sits down and pens a poem? Even worse, what kind of man posts his blathering poem online for the world to see.  On a site that has his name and photo clearly displayed for the world to see!

needless to say I deleted the link from my favorites list as I just can't follow depressed man anymore.  He needs to get some counseling, medications or grow a pair and stop wallowing in self pity!  And for fuck sake stop it with the poems!!

179...hey that is the creepy guy

Stand offish, aloof, loner and unsocial...i have been described as all of these things over the years.  usually people tell me that was their initial impression of me, but later change once they have gotten to know me better.

See I have a difficult time getting to know people.  I can be extremely shy and just don't take to that many people.  I guess it is some sort of defense mechanism but it does get in the way of making actual friends.  Some of it can be attributed to the nomadic nature of past career choices, but the roots of it go on way before that.

i can talk to people and be social, but I have limited ability for small talk.  In fact, I can talk about the weather, sports and maybe some recent news event and then I am out.  I guess it goes along with my minimal attention span, but the awkward pauses that accompany some interactions are just more than I can bear ..so i bail from dull conversations.

Sometimes I try to stick around a bit too long when I find people I can converse with, but I start to feel a bit creepy for hanging about too long. 

I am also very secretive with my personal life.  I am one of the only unmarried people in all of the military (maybe a tad bit of an exaggeration - but not too far from the truth) and don't have much in common with married persons with homes bursting with children.  I date but don't really share details of that and would feel uneasy doing so.

Sometimes it does bother me that I have a difficult time making friends and can feel isolated from everyone else.  However, even when I make efforts - it just does not get any better.  so maybe I am the creepy guy that everyone works with.  I might be the person that everyone talks about when I am not in the room.  Its possible and it does not seem likely to change.

Making the military my career it is something I have to take into account as I attempt to move up in ranks.  I am not a people person and you need to be to step into higher administrative position.  So, I have to look into more technical/skilled roles to avert the whole lacking of social skills.  Lets face it, I am not going to develop impressive social skills no matter how much effort i put into it.  I can dazzle with my abilities and avoid the whole social expectations altogether.

178....

I have flipped!  From nights to days.  It was a whole lot harder this time, but today I am up and drinking coffee at 0500 after sleeping through the night.  whew!

Now I am ready to take on the daylight!

....173....and counting

being up as the ass crack of dawn and doing everything I can that does not include studying - I stumbled across a blog that counts down the days on a particular assignment.  Suddenly a light bulb of an idea occurred to me.  I would steal the whole count down theme, brilliant!

So today marks day 173 in the Gulf Coast.  That equates to a tad over 24 weeks, a shade under 6 months, roughly 4,152 hours, 249,120 minutes an somewhere around 14,947,200 seconds and counting.

If I am here the entire 4 years (1,460days) then this is just about 11% of my sentence I have way more ahead of me than behind me.  There is the possibility of qualifying for school, but we will cross that bridge if and when it makes its appearance. 

Just a little perspective on where I am.

parents and yuck..

It has been a while and I decided to call my mother today.  I have not called her in a while and the pangs of guilt were beginning to become difficult to ignore.  Anyway, i called her and could easily note a chill in her voice.

Here is the deal!  My mother expects me to call her like once a week.  i work and have a fucked up schedule so i do not always have the time or the patience to call her as often as she wishes.  she could call me every once and a while, but not her.

Plus, it can be painful to talk to my mother on the phone.  She is hard of hearing and I tend to speak "muffled" as she likes to complain.  Also, she has a bad habit of never listening even when she can hear.
A typical conversation:

Mom:  "What type are you looking to buy?"

Me:  "I am thinking about ...(before I can finish)

Mom:   "Did you look at the Honda?  The lady down the road bought one and blah blah blah"

She loves to ask questions and then interrupt before you can answer and seconds later she starts asking more questions.  Thirty minutes later my head hurts and i am wishing I had never called her.

don't get me wrong I do love my mother - I just don't have much to talk to her about.  My father even less.  I get shit from my mother about my father and that causes some tension between us.

My father was never much of a father and i managed to live my entire life very ambivalent towards his very existence.  Sure I will call on birthdays and make small talk when I see him, but I never really had much to do with him and he never wanted anything to do with me so a connection was never established.

There were even times he was down right cruel and much of my youth was spent resenting him.  I think one of my goals in life was to be exactly the opposite of him in every way I could and I think that I have achieved that task.

I am not one of those people who blame everything on the parents.  In fact, I believe once you can get away from the parental control is when you are truly responsible for your own happiness.  I can honestly say that i survived my childhood and have become an adult that neither of my parents can take credit for..my values, loyalty and character had nothing to do with them and if I ever have children I will not let them have any contact with my child.

Ouch, this rant has turned a little dark and with that I say good night.

me need work

I wrote about what i have learned about the military and now I am going to write about what I need to work on from a personal standpoint.  I am far from perfect and can see where there are areas I need to improve and soon.

1) The number one with a bullet is weight.  I have steadily gained since I have been here and if I do not get a firm handle on it there are going to be major problems that will shorten my career.

2) Fitness needs to improve and this will help number one.

3) I need to be more social and learn to blend in even when I have nothing in common with those I am trying to blend in with.

4) I need to become more aggressive/forceful. I sit back and wait to adjust far too much.  Maybe cause I feel like a newbie, but I got to get over that.

5) I need to press for things I want.  This is more of a future thing that I will push next year.

6) I need to gradually become more involved with things and become a bigger piece of the puzzle.

7)  I need to learn more.  Find out how I can use the system to work for me and not against me.

Just a few things that I need to work on to make my new life more productive.

I am learning

I have been here in Biloxi for a few months now and I can honestly say I have learned quite a few things about my new adventure into the military.

I take advantage of every situation to pick people's brains.  Active duty, retirees, enlisted and officers all have been subjected to my many many questions.  The more questions I ask the more I learn and the more I understand how little I know.

So on this post I am going to stick with what I know now that I did not know when I started COT.

1) health care in the military is a totally different animal.  Staffing is better, ratios are reasonable and people want to help. 

2) There are no experts.  have a question about anything and no one seems to know.  It blows my mind that I work with people who have been in for years and years and they remain clueless about so many things.  I thought when I came in there would be people with answers to all my questions - Wrong!!  Completing anything around here is done with guessing and trial and error.  If you fill out a form wrong eventually someone will tell you but not one person seems to have any of the answers - this gets frustrating!

3) Ass kiss, ass kiss, ass kiss...recognition!  The military is all about awards and recognition and if you are not willing to put in some serious ass kissing time you will be overlooked.  It comes down to where the work does not matter nearly as much as face time with your leadership.

4) You can wait for it to come to you.  This is what I have sifted through all the advice and from watching other people.  No reason to be all gung ho and track people down to tell you what you need.  Just wait and from the depths of somewhere out there you will receive an email to tell you where to go and what to do - no need to stress.

5) You do not joined the military to see the world.  Because sometimes you get stuck and that is just too bad for you.  You are not on the move every few years - that is the military of old.  So unless you have crafted a plan you can easily get stuck in a place you never wanted to be.

6) You are not going to like everyone you work with.  i guess this is anywhere, but it is a little different here.  The uniformed co-workers personalities may not fit and that is just something that will not change.  The civilians you work with can be some of the worst people in the world and you can easily grow to resent their lack of integrity and lazy efforts.  It stands out 1000 times more in the military.

7) People talk a good game.  The fact is that is all they do is talk and talk and never really do anything.

8) some people work the shit out of the system!!  They find every TDY and every class.  Hardly every work, put themselves in for every award and get major face time with leadership.  They get the easy track to promotion and never really do any work.

9)  Rules do not apply to everyone.  I could so go into detail on this, but I am going to hold my tongue.

10)  You have to have a plan.  Early in the game you need to discover what it is you want to do with your career and how you are going to get there.  I had a little help and did a lot of reading to discover the best route for myself and now I am working hard to get to where i need to be. 


This post may come across as negative in nature and that was not the intention!  I do not regret for a second the decision I made to enter the military and I very much look forward to going to work.  I really enjoy what I do and hope to improve.  I plan to be a lifer!!