Big Huge Mess....

Since being home from deployment I have done the family tour.  Stopped off at a beach resort that sucked and caught a horrible cold that lingers with me still.

None of that compares to the fucked up mess I have managed to get myself into. I cant really go into much details but I have placed myself in a situation that I ought not have put myself in and why did I do it? Because he asked me to and I could not say no.

Now I have a very short time to figure out what to do or face a possible very embarrassing moment.  Reality is creeping in and what was playing out in my mind has meet the cold hard reality of my paranoia.  I am not sleeping and dont know how I lt myself go down this path..actually I do and as a friend put it, "You are letting your dick think for you."  he may be right.

So, I gotta make a tough call today based on very little information or wait and possibly really be put in a bad situation.  In the end I am gonna have to go with my instincts and leave my dick out of the decision making. 

New Day

So, i have been state side for a few weeks now. I am on leave for a while which I needed to get my head right and take care of some things.  I actually made this enormous list of thing that I must take care of and the list is daunting.

I have been keeping busy to keep my mind off of you know who and no I am just getting over a sickness.

I need to sit down and make a proper post to fill in some gaps, but I just am not feeling well enough to do so right now.

State side

afghanistan is but a recent memory...I am still processing all that took place over there..I think it will take some time to feel like my old self again and then again I am not sure I want to return to being that person.

I left a fat boring guy who felt as if I were just spinning my wheels.  I had time to reflect and to come up with a new game plan and I think I have some direction in my life. I left the fat person behind and now I amexcited about my fitness program for the first time in a long time.

I fell in love while I was there.  I did not admit it for a long time, but I did fall hard and heavy. That is okay and I am still dealing with the ripples from that and will be for some time to come.  I wish I had a bit more control over my heart,but who really can control how they feel about another person.  Oh well, I will blather on about that at another time.

I have a few weeks off before I must get back to the old grind and plan to use the time to make me happy.  I think i willoffer more reflections on my time in Bagram after I have had some time to put some distance to my time there..