468

I knew CT would leave one day and I would still be here to deal with the loss of someone who I had developed feelings for.  The unexpected happened.  He was sent out early and without any warning.  I am actually fortunate to see him before he left as he was there just as I got to work.  Had his flight not been delayed I would have never seen him before he left.

He told me he was going as I was taking a bite of salad (of all things).  Of course, I thought he was joking around but then I could see in his eyes he was not joking and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  I felt this sick sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and could not find my words.

To matters worse there were way too many irritating people around me.  He got pulled away and it took everything I had to keep the tears back.  

I did not get a chance to tell him goodbye, at least not how I wanted to and then I see him walk out the door and odds are I will never see him again.  It was one of my worst days ever.

No one had a clue that I had developed these feelings for him.  I think he knew but I cannot be totally sure.  Since that day it has been hard to get up in the morning and go to work.  I feel raw, sad and angry all at the same time.  Everytime someone mentions his name I hurt all over again.

Initially when he left I thought that I would send him an email saying how I would miss him.  But then I thought about it.  I thought about how this day was coming eventually and instead of me dreading it for weeks it just happened all of the sudden.  Like ripping a bandage off instead of a little at a time.

I decided that this was the time to get over him.  Bury my head in work and let my feelings subside and put him out of my mind.  There is no possibility of anything between us once we leave here anyway.  He has his life somewhere else and I have mine and the military controls those facts.  better to deal with it now and readjust then mope around here the last few weeks I am here.

My only regret is that i was not able to give him just a hug goodbye.  

So, I am still sad and still dealing with the loss and I am dealing.  It will take some time but I will recover and be me again.

This whole ordeal has taught me one thing.  I still believe that I am capable of falling for someone - who knew...

457...

Okay, so not much to report here as things as been pretty much status quo for a couple of days.  There is the flirting and lewd remarks, but it just sort of stays at that same level not moving forward or backward.

Maybe this is how things are going to stay from here on out.  Oh well, not a whole lot I can do about it except just accept it.  Or maybe just enjoy it for what it is, but to do so would require me to just endure the constant craving,,,,It seems like I am fucked, but not in the way I would prefer..

455...

Since I will most likely be blathering on about the same topic for my entire time here I thought it only right that I give a name to the object of my desire.  We will call him CT.

So, following our dinner I once again thought it was safe to return to work.  I could not have been more wrong.  The next day he had turned up the charm full blast and the flirting was making me crazy.  I try to stay composed and understand that it is a very thin thread of self control that prevents me from just grabbing him and doing all sorts of inappropriate things.  However, I think he knows he is pushing all my buttons.

Now, I het back to my room and cannot sleep as thoughts are racing through my head and god forbid trying to sleep because all those naughty thoughts are acted out in my dreams.  Needless to say I am exhausted, frustrated and totally not in control of this situation at all.

I am to the point now where I feel I need to have a talk with him.  But I don't want to have that talk and at the same time I cannot take another 3 months of this...what to do what to do!!!

452...

There has been a change, slight but still a change.  I had dinner just me and my crush last night.  It was very sedate and everything was all serious discussion.  There was no flirting, no inkling of interest from across the table.  It felt like two co-workers sharing a meal.  A real downer!

Maybe all in all the bad "date" was a blessing in disguise.  Now if the fucker comes back tomorrow all flirty at work I may have to set him straight on what the fuck he is up to!

There is someone else who has sort of caught my eye at the same time.  He is new to our little spot of hell and I get the vibe with him.  I notice he stares and looks back to see if I am watching him - which I always am!  We have crossed paths a few times and maybe a lot.  He is always around and there is no real reason for him to be.  So, I have decided to break the ice and say something to him.  I mean its the only way to know for sure.  If nothing else it has given me a distraction from the other one.