Notes..

I hate being new at anything. I despise learning routines, remembering peoples names and figuring out when I am doing something all wrong. I think it stems from being a perfectionist and having an overwhelming need to stay out of trouble.

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Sure I want to do a great job, but I really don't want to get singled out for fucking things up. However, I feel there are fucks up in my near future. Part of that stems from the shoddy way I have been trains to my new department. Unorganized and pretty much left to fend for myself. I consider myself quick at picking up new routines, but military routines are not as familiar for me and I amn still attempting to makes heads or tails of it all.

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Ever notice when you now to an area everyone treats you like you are new to the profession? I have been in practice forever and have quite a bit of experience, but people treat me like I just fell off the turnup truck. I bite my tongue, but every now and then my smartass gets the best of me, my bad.

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Everyone has their own level of comfort and we all react to situations differently. Myself, I tend to be very laid back and try to work with what i have to correct problems. Newer and less experienced people tend to panic and over react - to the point of hindering efforts to corrct a situation and this is the behavior I am observing.

Spring

I must be more ready to date than I gave myself credit for, maybe I have had enough time to overcome my last failed attempt at partnering. I am coming to this realisation as I am finding more and more women around that I find myself taking a second and maybe third look at...

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I know - just a few days ago i was speaking of one particular crush, but for reasons I cannot get into here that is something that can never be. There are actually two others who are off limits, but I cannot help want to get to know them a little better. It seems the forbidden fruit is the most desired. I don't know what i would do if I found a gal with not issues or complications - I probably would not want anything to do with her.

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Out With A Fizzle....

Okay, a day later and some sleep have allowed me to gain a touch of perspective regarding my current situation (aka my crush). Actually, I played a little Internet stalker last night and found her Facebook page and this helped me to douse the small flames of hope. Yea let me just put it at that and now I can shake that little imaginary scene that was playing in my mind and just move the fuck on.

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I wish there were some way to turn off that thing inside that draws us to one person or the other. I have has some serious crushes in the past and they never move in the direction that I would like. Maybe I am aiming too high or in the wrong direction. The last one I had was a few years back, but she was in a long term relationship and I never had a chance there, but it did not stop me from feeling that immediate chemistry.

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Probably it is for the best. I am destined to be one of those people who never marry, never have children and spend their twilight years surrounded by cats and eating slices of cheese for dinner. People tell me when I am not looking for it it will happen and now I have gone and complicated things by joining the damned service where all enlisted are off limits and a portion of officers is deemed inappropriate (although they would be way old for me). So lets see about 95% of all those on base are off limits - I am not liking these odds! And I am somehow longing for a slice of cheese..

Not This...

I have been relationship complicated for a while. I am not really in one and I am not totally over one. I hover in neutral. Actually, it has been so long since I have even dated that I am not sure I have the patience to go through the whole 'getting to know you' phase. I especially don't consider starting anything up with me new to the military and living in a backwoods town.

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Well, I ran across someone on base who caused some churning on my insides. Fuck! I do not want this! Especially with someone who is military as well! So when I recognized the passing glances and the friendly smiles - I decided to just avoid her all together. Remove myself from situations when she is around and make busy work. Easier said than done.

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This person is so my type! Funny, smart, sarcastic, and has these amazing eyes that when she looks directly at me I know she can read my mind. But the last thing I need is a workplace fling or romance.

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I am just now and the interest stage and it has not advanced to complete adoration, yet. I want to nip this in the bud, because it would be way too complicated especially when accounting for rank and other co-workers and in no way could it ever end well. I mean even if I did follow that path we are on two different career paths with zero chance of being together long term and if I allowed myself to fall - I think I would get crushed.

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So, I have to avoid the small talk and the quiet moments where we are alone. Avoid watching her as she speaks to others. Not stare at her as she leaves a room and not get all stupid when she speaks to me. I have to stop feeling. It is the only way to keep my heart intact.

Hump day

I have a date for my first official physical fitness test and I am scared out of my mind. I have been a bad bad boy when it comes to maintaining my fitness since leaving COT. I have run about five times and my times are really bad. I mean pathetic. My weight gain has been historic. The only good news is that I can now max out on sit ups and my push ups are pretty close to max as well. So if I can meet the body circumference and make a decent run time I should be okay.

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Some of my drunken Amazon purchases came in and the total was a bit higher than i thought. So, with that out of my system i can focus my attention on budgeting and saving. I have found that food is so much more expensive here and i am spending way too much at the market. On separate shopping trips I have put out more that $200 on groceries and one time $300 (the initial pantry stocking). I never spent that kind of money on food prior to getting here.

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okay, the dog wandered in the living room and requires immediate attention.

I HATE CHILDREN!!!!

i hate children! They are loud, messy and irritating and i want no parts of that. Since moving to this God awful city and deciding to live in this ghetto apartment complex i have been exposed to more children that I ever thought i could tolerate.

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On my side of the building there are at least five children in the five to nine age bracket and they congregate just outside my window. I am on the second floor and cannot open my balcony door as these little fuckers spend most every evening and all weekend running and screaming. It makes me cringe to even hear their fucking little voices!!

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The parents send them outside to get the brats out of their hair, but in the process allow their little mistakes to ruin my peaceful mornings! I sometimes sit here and imagine myself chucking rocks at their tiny child heads and causing them to cry or better yet knocking a few of them unconscious. My favorite daydream is hitting one so hard they lay on the ground seizing uncontrollably. I hate children!

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Twice this weekend I went out to eat and each time there were screaming children in the restaurant. In one the parents allowed their little bastards to run freely through the restaurant and I was like so close to finding the assholes and giving them a piece of my mind. It was at that time one of the brats tripped and bloodied his nose as his face crushed against the floor and I could not help but explode in fits of uncontrollable laughter. The shit was not hurt badly, just bloodied - it still brings a smile to my face just recalling it lol. I blame to fucktard parents for not controlling their little brat!

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I have learned that next PCS I am just gonna buy or rent a home,because these white and black trash parents do not control their little mistakes - I just cannot stand the little fuckers!!!

Drinking when coupled with other activities can be risky to downright dangerous. We all know that you should not get behind the wheel of a car after having a few drinks and thankfully i have been so conditioned to this little nugget that even wasted i will not drive. However, I am finding more and more i get into other troubles when drinking and having too much time on my hands.

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In the past I have been guilty from time to time of drunk dialing. You know the act of calling people up on the phone when one is all chatty and shittfaced. I did this a lot about 5-7 years ago. Nothing too bad,but I would get someone on the phone and chat their ears off. Over time that phase of my life seem to go away after i had embarrassed myself on too many times.

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Next comes the advent of smart phones and the drunk texting. The texts you send some appropriate and some not so much. these texts I never remember sending until I check my phone the next day. I have been guilty of these fairly recently. The last one coming this weekend, but at least it was 'G' rated. The embarrassing things is I sent this text to someone I like but we have not been in touch for quite some time and then there is the living in different cities and dating other people - not a smooth move and there is no way to cancel it once it have been sent. thankfully, the text seems to be pretty much ignored on her end - is that really good or bad - meh!

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Anything that has to do with online dating and social networks is a bad mix when drinking and I have found myself banned from more than one site as i drink and my verbage goes from clean to trucker within a few drinks. I have had the joy of reading some postings/submissions the next morning and it was not very pretty. back in the day I was even banned from AOL - that was an embarrassing call to make to get the banned lifted. I cannot help it that i drink and then get, well maybe a little amorous. Well, i still try to avoid thise sites when I have had a few too many, but I find I repeat the same horrid behavior so often.

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My latest drunken misfortunes have come about recently. I have started to drunk buy!.. I go to Amazon or whatever site and buy like I have just won the Lotto! It is not that I am buying outrageous things, but just not all that budget friendly. A year ago i loaded my online cart with computers. Not one or two, but three. Why i am not sure - i think it was an attempt to open up a small business or something. thankfully, the next morning I was able to go online and cancel that order. I was not so fortunate with the 10 pairs of shoes I ordered from one vendor - however I still wear them all to this day.

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This weekend I went about ordering everything on my Amazon wishlist. My wishlist is not that grand but still a one time order of $1500 is still a big order for me. I ordered tennis rackets, Rachel Ray cookware, new ipods, and some other fancy electronics i have had my eye on. the actual total i am afraid to tally up but it is more than I planned to spend. since I am a prime member I could not cancel in the morning. so I have two choices. I can send part or most of it back once received or I can keep it all and consider it a lesson learned. And maybe next time hade my computer out of site before coming home from the pub after a few too many!