433..

So I had an opportunity to see someone else...a casual hook-up here in the middle of no where.  I could not go through with it.  Maybe it was a little fear of the possibility of getting caught or maybe something else.

My thought process was that maybe a little mattress play would put the other one out of my thoughts.  I figured that I needed to nip these feelings in the bud by having fun with someone else.  I can't do it.  The closer it got to the agreed upon time the more I thought about the other one.

I realize that I am done.  There is no escape in how I feel.  I have to admit that I have real feelings that are not going away and will not lead anywhere.  There are times when I feel there is interest, but it never moves forward.

This is some type of torture where I am forced to see and work with this person every day and I am starting to long for them.  I feel my insides aching and wanting all at the same time.

I can't really come out and express my feelings for several reasons.  One of which would be the sheer awkwardness if I have totally misread the signals.  Another being the significant difference in rank.

So, I guess I will flirt and long for the next four months.  So instead of crushing my heart all at once it will be ripped apart a little each and every day....

431...

This no sex rule blows!  It really blows!!

So here is my problem.   I have a growing crush on someone I see every day.  There is flirting and more flirting...my problem is I really want to move it forward, but I am not 100% sure the other person wants to move beyond the flirting.

I could always hook-up with someone else, but I really am sort of taken with this one.  I am developing actual feelings.  ugghhh!  Bad timing!!  But I am!

If I make a move and I am wrong it could really blow up in my face.  If I make a move and I am right I could have my heart ripped out in a few months!  Either way there will be some pain involved....

425

I wish I could get my head straight....

I work so very hard to keep distance from people..Its one thing that I am really good at.  It is so much easier to be alone or lonely than it is to get close to people and have them let you down or hurt you.  Plus, I have the worst habit of falling for the wrong person at the wrong time.  Falling for that one person who does not make a damn bit of sense and no matter how much the head knows better the rest of me will not listen.

So it should be no big surprise that I have developed a little crush.  It is so stupid on so many different levels and is less than zero chance of ever being anything and I should ignore it, bury it and put it out of my mind...but that is not the way I am wired.

This person makes me smile.  You know, the kinda of smile that comes from somewhere deep inside.  The kind you can't contain even with every ounce of effort in your body. This person actually makes me (of all people) light up.

I cannot help it and I know way better, but I feel pure happiness when we speak or when a look is exchanged.  A smile just makes me feel like a fucking school kid.  I honestly didn't know someone could push those buttons on me anymore - who knew.

This person is involved and I know that, but it does not seem to stop the harmless flirting.  I fight it with everything I have.  I want to appear completely uninterested, but I can't.

When I like someone.  When I really like someone I am unable to say no to anything.  I am unable to joke to the point where I pick. I begin to get sappy and protective and I see it happening to the point where I am scared that others will notice.

I honestly do not know what I am going to do.  I thought I could be cool and just ignore it, but the longer I am here the worse it gets.

This is a problem in progress...

421

I think I am getting the travel bug!  This deployment is making me feel all caged in and I just want to go and do something else.  I still have so long to go.

Actually, all this time has made me want to shake up my plans and try something new.  I want to jet overseas and live for several years.  I can revisit school at a later date.  Maybe four years from now will be a good time to revisit it.

I just feel like the world is against me at the moment and maybe it is time to step back and do something that I really want.

416...

A shower.  Something that I have taken for granted for so many years has now become a luxury.  Why?  Well, because I have to bide my time and jockey for stall position to wash away the dirt of the day.

For most people here it is not that big of a deal, but for me it is.  I happen to be on the shy side and a lot on the insecure side.  I have never been one comfortable with being naked in public or even in semi-private.  I always lock the bathroom door at home, always.  I do not walk around my home naked, even when I am all by myself and the mere thought of showering at a gym shower full of people would send me into a panic.

So I now find myself in the military 7000 miles from home and sharing showering facilities with the masses.  Thankfully, it is not an open shower like so many have told me about in basic training.  No we have these portable shower trailers that house three toilets, three shower stalls and three sinks with accompanying mirrors.  However, all is not perfect.

My problem seems to stem from the undressing and dressing and the crowd control of these trailers.  If one other person is in there I can manage, but with more than one I cannot bring myself to enter.

When I do find times when the showers are lightly populated I step into the stall and draw the curtain and then disrobe.  Once I am done with the shower I dry off and re-dress in the shower stall before stepping into the common area.

I know like anyone wants to or would look at me.  That does not matter.  Its just how I am made that makes me this way and at this age it will not be changing anytime soon.

Plus, I do not like it crowded, because other men go all full monty and to be honest I don't want to see their pasty white asses either.

When I get home I will never take a shower for granted again!

408....

I am laying in bed in this tiny little hootch ant it is pitch black except for the light of my macbook.  It is 2:42 pm and I require at least 3 more hours of sleep, but I cannot sleep.  My mind is racing with thoughts and those thoughts are making me crazy.  Worries about my upcoming final, studying for the GRE and having my application submitted in time.

The mail (outgoing) is extremely unreliable and that adds to my worries...I need a haircut..I need sleep...where is the ambien??

395....

Well, I thought Biloxi was a shit hole....I have found a place even worse!  Bagram!   I think I can see why these people who live here are so dang angry all the time.  This place has mountains, mud, more dust than I could ever imagine...

Like it or not I am here and determined to make the best of it!