Depressed

So it has been a week since I saw him and even worse I have not heard from him in a week. Not a call, not a text not anything.  Not even a facebook post.

I am checking facebook about a hundred times a day looking for anything from him.  I dont call as I dont want to be that stalker guy.  Maybe he is just putting some distance between us.  Maybe that is for the best.

I feel horrible.  I think about him every minute of every day.  I want to get over this.  I cant function as I am sad and want to hear from him.

damn I am a hot mess!!

A litte clue

So, I have been wearing my heart on my sleeve for so long now and this past weekend I found a little clarity.

I went to see the one who has taken my breath away.  I know, it was stupid and what was I thinking and all but in my head I need some clarity.  Did I find it?  The answer is both yes and no.

Yes, cause it finally really dawned on me that it cannot work with this person.  Too many obstacles and he has a BF that he loves.  I was able to put everything in some sort of perspective and in my gut know it is time to move on/

No,because I am hopelessly still in love with him and if he asked me to give up everything to be with him I would have moved heaven and earth to make it happen.

Plus, ever since he left and ever since I have been back from deployment I think about him all the time.  That has not changed since I returned home.  I know it will take time, but how much time will it take me to forget how much I feel for this one person. 

I also now understand that before I left for deploymnt I was very unhappy.  I was drinking too much, eating too much and just letting myself go.  I understand now that I didnt have something in my life to make me try harder and after meeting CT I want to be a better man and I have a focus now that i didnt before.  Maybe a little of that in the back 0f  my mind is me telling myself to look better for the next time I see CT.

Okay, enough of that for now!

Big Huge Mess....

Since being home from deployment I have done the family tour.  Stopped off at a beach resort that sucked and caught a horrible cold that lingers with me still.

None of that compares to the fucked up mess I have managed to get myself into. I cant really go into much details but I have placed myself in a situation that I ought not have put myself in and why did I do it? Because he asked me to and I could not say no.

Now I have a very short time to figure out what to do or face a possible very embarrassing moment.  Reality is creeping in and what was playing out in my mind has meet the cold hard reality of my paranoia.  I am not sleeping and dont know how I lt myself go down this path..actually I do and as a friend put it, "You are letting your dick think for you."  he may be right.

So, I gotta make a tough call today based on very little information or wait and possibly really be put in a bad situation.  In the end I am gonna have to go with my instincts and leave my dick out of the decision making. 

New Day

So, i have been state side for a few weeks now. I am on leave for a while which I needed to get my head right and take care of some things.  I actually made this enormous list of thing that I must take care of and the list is daunting.

I have been keeping busy to keep my mind off of you know who and no I am just getting over a sickness.

I need to sit down and make a proper post to fill in some gaps, but I just am not feeling well enough to do so right now.

State side

afghanistan is but a recent memory...I am still processing all that took place over there..I think it will take some time to feel like my old self again and then again I am not sure I want to return to being that person.

I left a fat boring guy who felt as if I were just spinning my wheels.  I had time to reflect and to come up with a new game plan and I think I have some direction in my life. I left the fat person behind and now I amexcited about my fitness program for the first time in a long time.

I fell in love while I was there.  I did not admit it for a long time, but I did fall hard and heavy. That is okay and I am still dealing with the ripples from that and will be for some time to come.  I wish I had a bit more control over my heart,but who really can control how they feel about another person.  Oh well, I will blather on about that at another time.

I have a few weeks off before I must get back to the old grind and plan to use the time to make me happy.  I think i willoffer more reflections on my time in Bagram after I have had some time to put some distance to my time there..

472

So much has happened since my last check in. So I was horribly depressed when CT left and I was feeling like my heart was ripped out of my chest. I thought about writing him, but didn't. Plus he had not written me. Days passed and I decided it was all for the best and I could work hard and get over him. As fate would have it I sort of hook-Ed up with a very cute army guy and we had a nice evening with promises of many more to come. The very next day I stroll into work and there is CT. All smiles and happy to see everyone. It was like one of those times where the world comes to a complete stop. Since then things have picked up where they left off. I follow him around and he leads me by my nose and the army guy is history. I am right back in the gut wrenching longing and hoping phase. This time it feels ten times worse. Don't get me wrong - he is amazing but to him I do not seem to be so amazing.

468

I knew CT would leave one day and I would still be here to deal with the loss of someone who I had developed feelings for.  The unexpected happened.  He was sent out early and without any warning.  I am actually fortunate to see him before he left as he was there just as I got to work.  Had his flight not been delayed I would have never seen him before he left.

He told me he was going as I was taking a bite of salad (of all things).  Of course, I thought he was joking around but then I could see in his eyes he was not joking and it felt like the rug had been pulled out from under me.  I felt this sick sick feeling in the pit of my stomach and could not find my words.

To matters worse there were way too many irritating people around me.  He got pulled away and it took everything I had to keep the tears back.  

I did not get a chance to tell him goodbye, at least not how I wanted to and then I see him walk out the door and odds are I will never see him again.  It was one of my worst days ever.

No one had a clue that I had developed these feelings for him.  I think he knew but I cannot be totally sure.  Since that day it has been hard to get up in the morning and go to work.  I feel raw, sad and angry all at the same time.  Everytime someone mentions his name I hurt all over again.

Initially when he left I thought that I would send him an email saying how I would miss him.  But then I thought about it.  I thought about how this day was coming eventually and instead of me dreading it for weeks it just happened all of the sudden.  Like ripping a bandage off instead of a little at a time.

I decided that this was the time to get over him.  Bury my head in work and let my feelings subside and put him out of my mind.  There is no possibility of anything between us once we leave here anyway.  He has his life somewhere else and I have mine and the military controls those facts.  better to deal with it now and readjust then mope around here the last few weeks I am here.

My only regret is that i was not able to give him just a hug goodbye.  

So, I am still sad and still dealing with the loss and I am dealing.  It will take some time but I will recover and be me again.

This whole ordeal has taught me one thing.  I still believe that I am capable of falling for someone - who knew...

457...

Okay, so not much to report here as things as been pretty much status quo for a couple of days.  There is the flirting and lewd remarks, but it just sort of stays at that same level not moving forward or backward.

Maybe this is how things are going to stay from here on out.  Oh well, not a whole lot I can do about it except just accept it.  Or maybe just enjoy it for what it is, but to do so would require me to just endure the constant craving,,,,It seems like I am fucked, but not in the way I would prefer..

455...

Since I will most likely be blathering on about the same topic for my entire time here I thought it only right that I give a name to the object of my desire.  We will call him CT.

So, following our dinner I once again thought it was safe to return to work.  I could not have been more wrong.  The next day he had turned up the charm full blast and the flirting was making me crazy.  I try to stay composed and understand that it is a very thin thread of self control that prevents me from just grabbing him and doing all sorts of inappropriate things.  However, I think he knows he is pushing all my buttons.

Now, I het back to my room and cannot sleep as thoughts are racing through my head and god forbid trying to sleep because all those naughty thoughts are acted out in my dreams.  Needless to say I am exhausted, frustrated and totally not in control of this situation at all.

I am to the point now where I feel I need to have a talk with him.  But I don't want to have that talk and at the same time I cannot take another 3 months of this...what to do what to do!!!

452...

There has been a change, slight but still a change.  I had dinner just me and my crush last night.  It was very sedate and everything was all serious discussion.  There was no flirting, no inkling of interest from across the table.  It felt like two co-workers sharing a meal.  A real downer!

Maybe all in all the bad "date" was a blessing in disguise.  Now if the fucker comes back tomorrow all flirty at work I may have to set him straight on what the fuck he is up to!

There is someone else who has sort of caught my eye at the same time.  He is new to our little spot of hell and I get the vibe with him.  I notice he stares and looks back to see if I am watching him - which I always am!  We have crossed paths a few times and maybe a lot.  He is always around and there is no real reason for him to be.  So, I have decided to break the ice and say something to him.  I mean its the only way to know for sure.  If nothing else it has given me a distraction from the other one.

447..

When you are in a fish bowl it is harder to avoid other fish.  I am thinking about my situation a bit too much and I think that the situational effects of being in a fishbowl are making me feel and act in a certain way.

I mean here I am cut off from my usual support system and I subconsciously try to actively make a link with someone here - someone who I can focus on even though I may not ever consider him outside of this place.

Last night we were all out and about and I was able to hear some of his rhetoric and it took me back years when I was that age - oh did I forget to mention the 10 year age difference.  Right now he is in a place where relationships are about creating a power structure and dealing with fear and mistrust.

Its true, most people in their early twenties (especially gay couples) are a whole lot of drama.  Hearing him speak last night brought all those memories back and all that emotional crap along with it.  As we age we (well many of us) just don't buy into all that garbage.  We are more comfortable with what we want out of life and don't see the point in all the struggles for position within the relationship.  We sort of know our place with one another.  He is not there yet.

I even had passing thoughts of, you know - hooking up.  Sounds silly to even say, but I like being near him and he makes me smile.  However, I just do not feel I am as casual with sex as I have been in the past.  I am thinking especially now that I have gotten to know him a bit better.  I like him way too much not to fall head over heals if we ever became sexual.

I am just taking things one day at a time and trying to maintain a friendship and not tip my hat too much.  Now if he came to me and expressed and interest in other things then hell yeah I would hit that.  But until then - I am just here.

a little more..

So I am killing time!  I keep trying to get a time frame for my return.  With leaving here and additional leave I am taking it will be more than a months from the time I get home until I actually report for a shift at work.  Plenty of time to re-acclimate to the real world.  Plus we work way more days here than at home.

I get copies of the schedule from home and it makes me sad that I am not there.  I could be teaching others and doing things that actually will reflect well on an OPR.  But I am stuck here with less than a stellar supporting cast. Oops did I say that out loud!!

I have to wonder if all this time away will somehow impact the pecking order when I return home.  That is silly right?  Yea, but I have so much time here to entertain all the silliness!  I have kept a ver low profile back home.  Not one of those who writes and calls the unit every other day - that is just pathetic!

However, this time away has allowed me to come up with an appropriate game plan for my return.  I need to be more visible and put in more time for special projects.  It has taken me a while to feel comfortable and now that I do it is time to crank it up and demonstrate why I am better than everyone else...oops time to goo

443..

Okay, I was just now looking at the calendar and noticed that it has been two full months since my last drink!  Am I due a chip or something?  This would be the longest I have gone dry since I quit smoking back in 2000.

I am discovering that not being drunk two to seven times per weeks allows one to think more clearly.  It also forces one to deal with all those crazy emotions without the ability to drown them out with the precious.

Also, if I remain sober I do not think I will ever have sex again.  I am way too shy and introverted to broach the situation without a little liquid courage.  I am not smooth sober - not that I really am when I am drunk, but eventually persistence wins out when you are wasted and those around you are equally wasted.

Now, I have four more months of being dry and we are entering new territory.  I imagine soon my body will shut down in protest to being forced to go through life remembering all the events of the day before.  I cannot be sure, because I have never gone more than 3 months without a good buzz!  Hell, you would think cutting out all those wonderful beer calories I would be rail thin by now...someone lied to me along the way!

441..

Two things...First I lied...I am going to talk about the person some and second I am getting tired of worrying about my pronouns.  The person who is all up under my skin is a guy.  There I said it and now to let the rest go.

My mind was clear and I had worked myself up into this twisted back and forth that did not exist.  I was growing more attracted to me but I was just someone he was being nice to.

I got my head straight and a few days ago I went to work and everything was great.  We joked around had fun and I did not care what happened after that - I felt a bit relieved.  Now I am still very into him, but I could keep it there and go about my day.

Then yesterday we all had a good day at work.  I was really enjoying myself without the worrying if I was falling for him and other garbage that makes me nuts.  Later that day he came up and put his arm around me.  I felt my breath just go away and my knees actually got weak.  He was talking but I did not hear him.  I remember closing my eyes and just wanting so very badly to fall into him and just stay there.

He had his arm around me for the longest time and I was totally speechless.  I did not see this coming at all.  I mean every cell in my body wanted him to hold me and no matter what I told myself there was no denying that it felt like heaven and a place I never wanted to leave.

Well shit!  Here I thought I have my head together and then this happens.  I did recover and things returned to normal.  He does pat shoulders, and horseplay all the time but this was a lot more contact.  I never ever initiate any type of touch as I attempt to keep my distance...whew...

I am not changing my focus.  I am going to work to keep this just what it is, a friendship.  I just have to be prepared for the effect he has on me and not be caught off my guard again.

438..

So a few days have passed and things seems strangely calm.  I stopped avoiding the person and stopped getting all worked up about the mood of the conversations.  I can tell that there are some changes in our interactions since I tried the ignore approach.  Things seems friendly but no flirty.  I think this is a better place to be.

I am gonna put this particular topic to be unless there is an extreme reversal in the nature or tone of our relationship.  Time to move on to more important things and stop dwelling on what is not to be.

@@@@@@@@@@@

I am in a major rut and it is still so early in the deployment.  I keep telling myself that I need to run or do something that is sort of active.  At about 0100 I walked to the port-a-potty to uh well do what you do there and I saw people running.  Not just people but guys.  They were running in pairs and it made me think about not really having anyone here I would qualify as a friend.  There is not a soul here I would feel comfortable asking if they wanted to take a run after work.  I am always that lone wolf.

I had thought about my lone status the other night.  I was off by myself reading and studying for the next class/test and everyone else was playing and laughing.  I read.  

So much of my time this past year has been in preparing for the next step.  I have a few more tests to take but everything should be wrapped up by early September and then the waiting begins.  

I am not sure how I will handle the waiting..that last 2-3 months.  What happens if I am not selected?  What do I do next?  Do I refocus and reload for the following year or do I take a completely different path.  I have been thinking a lot about that.  I guess before I leave this place I will have a clearer understanding of what I will do.

436..

so change of plans...yesterday, I thought to get this person out of my head I would avoid and ignore.  So that is what I did.

Hours later I realized what a douche I was being.  It is all in my head and not at all the fault of the other person.  WHy should I treat another person badly when I am the one with the problem.

New plan.  I am going to be nice and even flirt as I think that is just the other person's personality.  I am going to enjoy my time here and our interactions and leave it at that.  I will try not to think about expectations or the chance that this will or will not lead to anything more.  I am just gonna chill out!

The environment here is so different than back home and emotions can get all scrambled.  I bring the fact that I am a bit lonely to the situation and it clouds my judgment.  Sometimes I need to step back and understand my view of what is going on is no where near the same as everyone else.

435...

I have new resolve.  It came to me yesterday after once again receiving mixed signals from the object of my desire.  Well that just sounds creepy so lets just just call it my crush...even though that sounds juvenile but we will go with it.

Anyway, I said hello and got a very distant response and nothing more.  To be honest I think there was some home drama that was taking the attention away from everything else.  Sadly, part of me was hoping that there was trouble in paradise so that I could swoop in, but that would make me a bad person!

So, one word responses and those sad eyes told me there was something going on so I backed away.  Even backed out of breakfast which would have been an opportunity to offer a shoulder to cry on.

This morning I awoke with a determination that I need to back the fuck off.  Even if the available it could not work between us and hell I don't know for sure the feelings are even close to mutual.  For now it may just be me longing and making a fool of myself.

The best thing I can do is double my efforts to keep things professional and not fall for those big sad blue eyes or get too caught up in the flirting.  Some people flirt automatically not to be taken seriously so I need to focus and not get all caught up in what I am feeling.  Just one day at a time.  It is what I need to do and it keeps things uncomplicated.

I will miss the thoughts of what if, but sometimes what is best for us is not what we really want.

433..

So I had an opportunity to see someone else...a casual hook-up here in the middle of no where.  I could not go through with it.  Maybe it was a little fear of the possibility of getting caught or maybe something else.

My thought process was that maybe a little mattress play would put the other one out of my thoughts.  I figured that I needed to nip these feelings in the bud by having fun with someone else.  I can't do it.  The closer it got to the agreed upon time the more I thought about the other one.

I realize that I am done.  There is no escape in how I feel.  I have to admit that I have real feelings that are not going away and will not lead anywhere.  There are times when I feel there is interest, but it never moves forward.

This is some type of torture where I am forced to see and work with this person every day and I am starting to long for them.  I feel my insides aching and wanting all at the same time.

I can't really come out and express my feelings for several reasons.  One of which would be the sheer awkwardness if I have totally misread the signals.  Another being the significant difference in rank.

So, I guess I will flirt and long for the next four months.  So instead of crushing my heart all at once it will be ripped apart a little each and every day....

431...

This no sex rule blows!  It really blows!!

So here is my problem.   I have a growing crush on someone I see every day.  There is flirting and more flirting...my problem is I really want to move it forward, but I am not 100% sure the other person wants to move beyond the flirting.

I could always hook-up with someone else, but I really am sort of taken with this one.  I am developing actual feelings.  ugghhh!  Bad timing!!  But I am!

If I make a move and I am wrong it could really blow up in my face.  If I make a move and I am right I could have my heart ripped out in a few months!  Either way there will be some pain involved....

425

I wish I could get my head straight....

I work so very hard to keep distance from people..Its one thing that I am really good at.  It is so much easier to be alone or lonely than it is to get close to people and have them let you down or hurt you.  Plus, I have the worst habit of falling for the wrong person at the wrong time.  Falling for that one person who does not make a damn bit of sense and no matter how much the head knows better the rest of me will not listen.

So it should be no big surprise that I have developed a little crush.  It is so stupid on so many different levels and is less than zero chance of ever being anything and I should ignore it, bury it and put it out of my mind...but that is not the way I am wired.

This person makes me smile.  You know, the kinda of smile that comes from somewhere deep inside.  The kind you can't contain even with every ounce of effort in your body. This person actually makes me (of all people) light up.

I cannot help it and I know way better, but I feel pure happiness when we speak or when a look is exchanged.  A smile just makes me feel like a fucking school kid.  I honestly didn't know someone could push those buttons on me anymore - who knew.

This person is involved and I know that, but it does not seem to stop the harmless flirting.  I fight it with everything I have.  I want to appear completely uninterested, but I can't.

When I like someone.  When I really like someone I am unable to say no to anything.  I am unable to joke to the point where I pick. I begin to get sappy and protective and I see it happening to the point where I am scared that others will notice.

I honestly do not know what I am going to do.  I thought I could be cool and just ignore it, but the longer I am here the worse it gets.

This is a problem in progress...